I Won't Let Go
by Sweet Tigerlily
Summary: Alex isn't going to let go of Marissa that fast. AU. Set after the Blaze of Glory. RyanMarissa. Chapter 4: Author's Note. Please read and review!
1. Not Letting Go

Disclaimers: Not mine...yet. Mwhahahahaha.  
Author's Notes: This is my first fic ever so be kind please. I'm not sure if this is going to Ryan/Marissa or Alex/Marissa. I'm a hardcore RM fan but I'll do anything for reviews. lol :)

Alex couldn't stop the tears that ran down her face. She hadn't cried since third grade, but yet again, here she was, crying, as she packed all her belongings into her bags.

She wanted to stop crying; she really did. Only weak people cried. She wasn't weak. She was strong. But she couldn't help the tears that fell.

Stop, Alex told herself. Stop. It's only Marissa. She's not worth crying over.

Oh, but yes, she was. Marissa was worth everything. Every single, fucking thing was worth it if it meant Marissa would love her.

She wanted to stop bawling like a child.

But she didn't.

She couldn't.

What the fuck made Ryan so special anyway? What did he have that she didn't? What the fuck was wrong with her, Alex? She fucking loved her more than Ryan would ever. She would fucking love her more'n anyone would ever. Including Ryan.

Marissa Cooper was broken inside. And she, Alex, could mend that broken heart. She could love Marissa. She could be Marissa's one and only.

Stop it, Alex told herself. It's over. Marissa wants Ryan.

Oh, but she couldn't help loving Marissa. She could feel her heart shattering. Why can't you love me, Marissa?

Alex stopped packing and her tears held back for a minute. She collapsed onto Marissa's bed. She clutched Marissa's pillow to her chest. She could smell Marissa's scent. Her beautiful scent. She smelt like apricots and pears. She smelt like love. She smelt like...Marissa.

Oh, why don't you love me, 'Rissa? she thought to herself, clutching the pillow as more tears tumbled down Alex's cheeks.

Alex needed Marissa. Alex needed Marissa so bad.

And then Alex sat up. Why hadn't she thought of it before? She brushed her tears harshly from her face and went to the bathroom. She washed her face and looked up at her reflection in the mirror. She could see Marissa's reflection there as well. Her arms were wrapped around Alex's waist and her face was so close to Alex's. Alex could feel her soft touch move in slow circles on her stomach. And then, Marissa disappeared. Gone.

"'Rissa?" Alex whimpered. "Don't go. No, please. Don't go!"

But she didn't come back.

Alex felt the tears rushing back. But Alex wasn't going to give up now. Alex loved Marissa and she wasn't going to let go of her that fast.

She was going to pay Ryan a little visit.

Author's Notes: I'm not sure if this is going to be an RM or AM so if you have a suggestion, tell me if you prefer Ryan or Alex with sweet little 'Rissa.


	2. Changes

Disclaimers: Meh.

Authors Notes: I have finally decided this is going to be an RM fic. I can't write AM, no matter how hard I try. Sorry to all those AM fans, but I hope you'll continue reading for the sake of it. :) You'll recognize some lines from the Blaze of Glory here… Original aren't I:)

It was a beautiful night. The stars twinkled in the violet sky happily. The air was crisp and warm and the dark waves of the pool cast dark shadows across the pool house. Ryan sat on his bed, his laptop balanced carefully across his knees, as he mentally worked out some of his math homework.

He paid no heed to a loud engine that rumbled through the Cohen's street. And why should he? The Cohen's new neighbors were two loud, obnoxious drunks and they were forever inviting friends over. Obviously these friends had no taste in cars or they wouldn't have picked such cars with such an ear-splitting engine.

But the person that was driving to the Cohen's was no friend of the Cohen's new neighbors. It was Alex.

Alex parked her car up the Cohen driveway and sat still for a second. She could hear the late night noises echo through the silent (well apart from loud rock music thudding next door) neighborhood. An owl hooted somewhere and the moon emerged from behind dark clouds. Alex clutched her steering wheel in anxiety. What was she going to do when she saw Ryan? Demand him not to talk to Marissa again? Seriously, how low was she stooping?

In a moment of hesitation, Alex felt like leaving. What was she doing? She was going to hurt the person Marissa cared about most. Wait. The person Marissa cared about _most?_ No, one of the people Marissa cared about most. Right?

She picked up her wallet to see how much money she had. Maybe she could just ditch this plan and go to the local bar and get a drink. Yes. That would be what she would do.

As she searched her wallet, a picture of Marissa fell out. Alex caught her breath. She was so beautiful. Alex stroked Marissa's hair with her thumb. And then an ugly image popped into her head. She had a vision of Marissa and Ryan…somewhere…alone…And that was all it took. Alex abandoned the plan of going into a club and having a drink. She got out of her car defiantly and strode right up to the Cohen door step. She raised a hand to ring the door bell, but then had a better idea.

She remembered Seth mentioning Ryan slept in a pool house. Alex didn't have an all that great education, but she knew it had to be a room next to the pool. She snuck around the house, and climbed over the fence. She saw a glittering pool and right behind it, the pool house. She saw a shadow sitting still on the bed, and thought, no, knew it had to be Ryan.

She ran silently to the door and threw it open. She was right. It was Ryan sitting on the bed doing his homework. And when Alex opened his door, he looked up with a look of absolute surprise on his face.

"Alex?" he asked, astonished. "What are you doing here?"

Alex looked at Ryan in disgust. He was trying to play the I'm-innocent game. Well, she would show him.

"Stay away from her!" she shouted, in a burst of anger.

Ryan looked at her in pure confusion. He put his laptop aside and stood up. "Who?" he asked, bewildered.

"Who?" Alex scoffed. "Marissa!"

Ryan looked at her, almost pityingly. "There's nothing going on," he said honestly.

"Oh, yeah? Working late together? Sharing a sleeping bag? Sure, there's nothing going on!" Alex was growing increasingly angry. She looked at Ryan's pale blue eyes, and saw nothing but truthfulness and confusion. It was then she realized he was telling the truth, but she had come this far already. She wasn't going to give up now.

"Look, there's nothing going on, Alex. Nothing at all."

"I don't care!" Alex screamed. "Just don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't do anything with her."

"You can't tell me to do that," Ryan said quietly. "I have every right to talk to Marissa."

Alex narrowed her eyes at him. "Oh, yeah?"

Ryan stuck out his chin. "Yeah."

There was silence for a minute and Alex could smell the clean sense of defeat. She couldn't think of anything to say. She'd been beaten at her own game. She spun on her heel, ready to leave, only to be interrupted by Marissa. Marissa looked a mess. She'd been crying and her eyes were red and swollen. Ryan noticed this immediately and stepped towards her, but Alex's piercing look stopped him.

When Marissa saw Alex, her face changed completely and she looked suddenly confused.

"Alex?" Marissa asked, stepping into the pool house. "What are you doing here?"

"Me?" Alex asked in disbelief. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Um…I was…going to, uh, check up on our biology homework…" Marissa said hesitantly, sniffling.

Ryan raised his eyebrows. Marissa was never the best liar. He remembered when Marissa spent the night, when they were still together and when Kirsten caught them, she said, "I, uh, found a rat in my, uh, wardrobe, and I was, um, worried there might be a whole family of them living in my room. So I came over."

"You don't do biology," Alex said suspiciously. "You do chemistry."

"Uh, I switched. Yeah. The dean said there was a mix-up and I was actually in biology for this semester," Marissa said, hoping she sounded sincere. "And, uh, me and Ryan were assigned to a project and I was going to come over to work together…"

Alex threw a distrustful glance at Ryan and went to Marissa. "You'll be home soon, right?" she whispered. She didn't believe a word Marissa said just then, but she couldn't say anything to that.

"Yeah, by 11," Marissa said nervously.

Alex pecked Marissa on the cheek and threw a last dirty glance at Ryan, before leaving the pool house.

As soon as Alex was gone, Marissa fell into Ryan's arms, sobbing heavily. Ryan stood with Marissa in his arms and stroked her hair softly. He didn't say anything, just waited for her to calm down.

Marissa cried for a long time, before whispering, "I'm so scared, Ryan."

"Sshhh. What's the matter? What happened?" Ryan asked soothingly.

"My dad. My dad's dead," Marissa croaked, before bursting into another series of heart-wrenching tears.


	3. For Being Here

Disclaimers: Nope.

Author's Notes: I'm sorry to all those AM fans, but I can't write AM. Sorry. Hope you'll keep reading though. :)

Alex drove home quickly. Desperately even. She knew Marissa was falling for Ryan again. It was her job to stop that from happening. Damn Ryan.

Suddenly Alex had a brilliant idea. She parked up her driveway and hurried into her and Marissa's house. It was a mess. Literally. Empty beer cans lay forgotten on the carpet. Assorted beauty magazines and local newspapers were strewn across the floor and empty Chinese takeaway boxes sat idly by, still filled with noodles and rice and God knows what else. And that was just the living room.

Alex immediately set about cleaning the room. She packed up all the rubbish and threw them out. She then went on to the other rooms, cleaning, sweeping, and dusting. By the end of the hour, she'd turned the messy and chaotic house into a clean and homey homestead. But Alex wasn't done yet.

She rummaged about in the bathroom, trying to find some candles. Finally she found two pink dolphin-shaped ones and a few other short stumpy ones. She set them aside and went outside.

The rose bush outside was not what you would call a very nice one. But the flowers on the bush were all right. Pretty even. Alex tugged a few of the nicest ones off the bush and returned inside. She plucked off the petals and went into her and Marissa's bedroom. One by one, she cautiously arranged them around the room and made sure they looked nice and in place. Romantic. She lit the candles and placed them carefully around the house, so they sent off a beautiful soft light in all the right places.

Next, Alex went to her wardrobe. She had to pick and outfit that was revealing, soft and most importantly sexy. There weren't a lot of clothes that Alex would call revealing or sexy, but suddenly she spotted a black lacy bra and underwear. She discarded her other clothes and jumped nimbly into her chosen garments. Then she waited for Marissa to return.

Marissa had been crying for some time, but finally she stopped, sniffling. She clutched Ryan's shoulders and could feel his warm arms around her waist, providing warmth and comfort.

Ryan didn't speak until long after Marissa stopped crying. But then, he removed a hand from Marissa's waist and put it up to her face, and tucked a lock of her golden hair behind her ear, softly and gently.

"You feeling better?" he whispered.

"Yeah," Marissa murmured softly.

There was silence for a while. Then Marissa whispered, "Thank you."

Ryan smiled wryly. "For what?"

Marissa laughed quietly. "For being here."

Ryan kissed her forehead tenderly and said softly, "You should get some rest…"

"But, Alex…" Marissa whispered.

"Sleep," Ryan said firmly. Marissa felt too tired to argue.

"Okay," she agreed, a smile playing on her lips.

As the moon descended on Newport Beach, Marissa fell asleep on Ryan's chest, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist.

Eventually, when the last candle flickered into nothingness, Alex, too, fell asleep.

Author's Notes: This was kinda short…but next chapter will be longer, I promise. Please review!


	4. Tears of Love

Disclaimers: I don't own the O.C. But I will soon…mwhahahaha!

Author's Notes: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy lately with major exams coming up, but I've managed to dish out this chapter. Enjoy!

Alex had never been this mad since…hell, she had NEVER been this mad. Not even when Jodie screwed up and got them arrested. Nup, she'd never, ever in her whole life been this mad. And it was all because of Marissa.

Alex had spent the whole of last night waiting patiently for Marissa to return home from her 'study session' with Ryan, but she didn't return. Heck, she'd spent the night cleaning their apartment for a night of romance and she didn't even come back? How low could Marissa sink, seriously? She'd spent a night in her underwear for Marissa. And if anyone else had tried that, it's all very well if you have someone next to you to share that experience with, but if you're all alone, it gets pretty damn cold and lonely by yourself.

Alex stacked the glasses angrily, smashing them against one another. Her assistant, Chloe, looked on anxiously.

"Hey," ventured Chloe shyly. "You okay?"

Alex looked up in surprise. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little agitated, that's all."

Chloe smiled in relief and returned to flickering through the list of bands that they would consider playing next week.

Alex's gaze however lingered on Chloe dangerously. Chloe Simmons was a pretty girl, with long blonde hair and starry blue eyes. She had a thin figure, perhaps a little too thin, but for someone with such a small waist, she sure had big breasts.

Alex's eyes ventured on Chloe's chest and she licked her lips unconsciously. She moved down to Chloe's legs, which were immaculately tanned and looked as smooth as cream. Suddenly she noticed, Chloe looking at her bashfully. They shared a flirtatious glance and Chloe looked around carefully.

"Um, Alex, since, uh, you know, I'm kinda new here, and um, I don't know you very well, uh, maybe if you wanted, you could, um…"

Alex inched closer and her warm hands touched Chloe's thighs. Chloe shuddered inwardly and Alex moved her head toward Chloe's face.

"Tonight," Alex whispered into Chloe's ear. "Here. Three." She tongued Chloe's ear, and Chloe let a sigh of pleasure. Alex removed her hand from Chloe's thigh, but not before letting it wander into her inner thigh. She smiled teasingly and returned to stacking the glasses.

Alex felt a stab of guilt after a few minutes. What had she just done? Had she just invited Chloe into a night of intense fun and pleasure? Yeah, she had. But what about Marissa? A voice in Alex's head whispered, "What about her? She'd just spent a whole night at her ex's." Alex felt a pit of pain. God, Marissa had spent the night at Ryan's and was probably making out with him somewhere. Well, that gave her every right to go do something with Chloe. Didn't it?

Marissa vaguely remembered this position she was in. Sleeping comfortably with someone's arms wrapped around her protectively…yup, she certainly remembered this position. She shifted slightly, which woke Ryan up immediately. She turned around and looked into his soft face, still drowned in sleep.

"Hey," she whispered, touching his face.

Ryan fully woke up and looked into Marissa's dark sapphire eyes. Marissa felt a shiver run through her body, sending sparks to every corner of her body.

"Hey," he mumbled. "Uh, what time is it?"

Marissa smiled laughingly and turned to the silver chrome clock on the wall. "Seven thirty…shit! We're gonna be late for school!" She got up hurriedly and shoes.

Ryan smiled drowsily, "Teacher planning day, 'member?"

Marissa thought for a minute, and then smiled foolishly. "Uh, I better be going anyway."

"Wait." Ryan got up and rubbed his eyes. "Wait," he repeated and stuck out a strong hand and pulled Marissa back to bed.

"What?"

"Uh, last night, um, about your, um, dad…" Ryan trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Marissa sighed tiredly. She looked at her hands for a long time before croaking to Ryan, "He was coming back from Hawaii. Probably a surprise visit. And he was driving to Caleb's I suppose, since they found him on Route 66, to see me, and the cops say he was going to make a right turn, but this druggie sped along the road without lights and crashed into Dad. He was killed right away, the meds say." Marissa drew a long breath, before continuing.

"Did you know that Dad would buy me anything I wanted ever since I was a little…" Marissa's breath caught and tears cascaded unevenly down her pale cheeks. Ryan instinctively put his arms around Marissa.

"No," Marissa whispered determinedly and removed Ryan's arms from her waist. She stood up and walked to the side window, the one with the best view of the ocean.

Ryan waited for Marissa to continue. He itched to go and hug Marissa tightly and tell her everything would be okay, but Marissa seemed determined to fight through this on her own.

Finally, she started to speak again, her voice unwaveringly clear.

"He used to buy me Barbie dolls, and teddy bears. Every Saturday, we went out together, to parks or movies and then we would eat lunch together. I remember, one Saturday, we went to…to…the beach and Dad put me on his sh-sh-oulders and walked me around the beach. I was five and I was so proud, because everybody was looking at us and smiling." Marissa paused and shut her eyes tightly.

"We went to New York once. Alone. Dad took me to Broadway and we watched Cinderella. Dad would say to me that he thought I was a thousand times more beautiful than Cinderella, and I would say, "'Course not, Daddy. No one's as pretty as Cinderella." And Dad would say, "My little 'Rissa is." And I would look at Cinderella and wonder if Dad needed glasses." Marissa sighed and ran her finger down the clear glass.

"When I was fourteen, we drifted apart. Dad worked a lot and Saturdays became Summer/Marissa days. And then you came, and I moved in with Dad. I didn't realize how much I really missed him until then. We spent so much time together, making up for lost time…" Marissa's voice broke and she couldn't say anything else. Marissa relented and tears cascaded down her cold cheeks.

Finally, Ryan couldn't refuse, and he leapt up and cradled Marissa in his arms. This time, Marissa didn't push him away, but instead clung on tightly.

"I miss him, Ryan," she sobbed. "I miss him so bad."

Author's Notes: Awwwww…poor Marissa. Review please. 


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